Refuge in Grief – Day 15

Refuge in Grief – Day 15
15/30 days complete! Today review the writing you have done so far, and write about what you find. 
I had a comfort zone. Before this course, I was writing a little thing I called The Glog, a private grief blog which I started shortly before he died. I used it to write down thoughts, quotes or things I just didn’t want to forget. Time was moving so fast, I was losing track of days and hours. It was all about the morphine schedule. Jon’s care ruled my existence. It was important for me to get these things out of my head and on paper (in my phone) because when I was falling off the cliff, I could reread my Glog notes and see that I had already thought about so many things that worried me or needed a decision. I could pull myself away from the edge and calm myself from freaking out, and take a different direction or stay the course. As I kept writing into my Glog, I noticed entries kept getting longer. Something more deep was coming out of my brain, the memories, emotions were loosening from their knotted ropes. 
I have a thing with the number three. Three feels right, I can associate it with so many things that make sense to me. I use three to solve problems, process and solutions typically have three parts. It’s the only odd number that feels symmetrical, in a perfect balance. An example is Past, Present, Future – three tenses of time – and right there, three t’s to describe it, it goes on! My writing did too. The paragraphs and stories flowed best and when suddenly I gave each of the three paragraphs a one-word title pulled from somewhere inside the text, and even if the three stories did not speak to the same thing, three parts would relate to a larger arcing whole. I bled my soul into what seemed easy and like breathing. I even shared this writing with a friend, at the risk of being rejected. 
Enter this course: The Uncomfortable Zone. I started off doing my thing with three parts of the whole, but now have allowed myself to branch out, playing with a different part of the same Fractal but different scale. The prompt of Day 04 having to write a letter was a turning point. Yes, I still wrote about three smells, but the underlying structure relaxed into several paragraphs. This was a conscious decision, as my notes started out with the usual pattern, but then to really speak to him, it couldn’t flow as easy as 1-2-3. 
I write in a conversational style. I read it aloud as I write. In doing so, sometimes phrasing that I use on paper is structurally incorrect, or maybe has too many commas, because when you speak, you need to know when to pause for a breath, or dramatic effect. Sometimes I make an effort to be all Merriam-Webster, sometimes not. I love to try and draw in a reader by using a side anecdote or story to begin a paragraph. I think of it like: if I’m going to end up over there, first let’s compare it to what’s over here. People like what is familiar territory, to stay in the safe zone, but then what they don’t know is, I’m going to blow it all up with the bullshit in my mind. I am thankful that people are willing to read and listen to a little bullshit now and then.~Paula

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