Refuge in Grief – Day 16

What’s it like to see the condition of your heart?

Doctor Bruce Banner, please stand up. 
I will first share a couple secrets with you because they need to be told. What you see on the outside of me, is not the real me, it’s what I choose to let you believe and see as real. I color my hair because without a trip to the salon every six weeks, my honey-caramel all-one-length lovely locks would be more like salt-n-pepper including a Bride-of-Frankenstein white wavy-streak that now erupts from the top of my head. Thank you, Jon, for your lasting visual reminder of all the stress that has been pounding me like unrelenting waves – fully realized in my hair! After Jon’s death, the only thing I felt was my heartbeat. Everything else was mechanical, business-oriented and standard procedure. As replacement of focusing solely on Jon’s care, the natural transition to making sure every one had a mention in his memorial services was easy. It was all about others feelings, not mine. My heart would race, pound and torque through my chest, whether from waking up in a cold sweat to the nightmare of reality or from my thoughts about being alone and a single parent. At least I knew I was still alive, and sometimes I did not want to be.
I am Dr. Bruce Banner. I am respected, intelligent, innovative, but I now a carry a dark secret that has been caused by my own scientific experiments gone wrong. This secret is an angry, rage-filled, green beast that no one likes, understands or accepts. When the beast comes out, destruction ensues and large military vehicles are deployed to suppress and defeat it at all costs. I, Dr. Banner, have no choice but to accept this beast that now lives inside of me, knowing that neither can exist without the other. I want so much for people to see the good that both can do, and to lower their weapons against me.
The beast can’t be controlled or asked to wait. He can’t be bottled up because he wants to come out in the worst of ways. The beast has no patience for those that are not ready for him. When I feel the beast needing to come out at the most inappropriate of times, I choose to escape to let it be free. The freedom is short-lived and unsatisfying. Exhaustion is a welcome companion that sometimes shares my bed. Despite my courting efforts, Exhaustion is a cold lover, and gives nothing to me in return. So, with my eyes closed, I face Loneliness, to which I crawl to on my knees. Doctor Banner is tensing up again — sinew, muscles and veins are popping through skin. The beast is here, not to be tamed and will not obey. Me, my heart and mind, in the rawest of forms, all this beast wants is to be seen for who he is and loved back. ~Paula

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