Refuge in Grief – Day 23

How would you love me now? This is him talking…
My Puskie,

Watching you today, I realized this: I took the girl out of the wild, but I didn’t take the wild out of the girl. Your smile pulled me in, and I loved that plaid mini skirt! I told myself that I would never date a graphic designer, but you came along and were so different. The first time I met you, I knew I wanted to marry you. You always acted so coy, and I could see through your reserved, tough shell that you wore for everyone. When you said you could beat me in a race up those hills, I saw my future with you: I knew you would always challenge me and drive me crazy with your big ideas, and I would love you with all of my soul and need to crawl under your skin to be as close as possible to you. Together we could fill any room with good conversation and laughing. I loved watching you let go when we were dating, doing the things that made you happy. 
Later, I know that you tamed yourself out of the fear that I would leave you all those years ago. I would have never left you then, and I will never leave you now. Don’t be afraid anymore. You have nothing to fear, that serendipity of your bouncing off the walls thinking is what keeps you moving forward. You’re going to do things greater than we both imagined. You have my spirit added to yours, it’s a lot to hold in, I know. I’m watching you sort it all out, sometimes I’m frustrated because you choose to do things not in an order that makes sense to me. But I’m learning to see things through your eyes from where I am now. Just keep the kids close to you. I know the most difficult choice was putting their happiness before yours, but I believe when you see how happy they will be, it will lead you to more happiness for you.
Keep in touch with everyone. They need to hear your voice and see you, we all want you to succeed on every level. Talk to Paul especially, he will hear my voice through you. Many people are coming forward now to carry you and walk beside you, I love seeing you smile and laugh with them, feel good about it, you deserve to laugh like that again. I’ll take care of Mom and Dad, they need me more than you do sometimes. Make sure you call them often because you are like a second daughter to them. Just know that I hear you talking to me through your tears, and I never meant to make you and the kids so sad.
You are becoming stronger every day. You’ve done so much, you’ve found that version of you that got me from the beginning. Take hold of it, run with it! And, yes, that was me me flying above you on your last bike ride. I will always be watching over you! And I just have to say it again, date who you want, but please no douche bags with Corvettes. I see you with someone who will give you what you truly need, and he will have gifts to give you more important than money or status. Keep doing the things you love to do, be yourself, that’s who I always loved the most. Be patient, my love. Much love always, Jon
~Paula 

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