Refuge in Grief – Day 26

Choose one or more pieces of writing, print and cut apart the sentences, and put together a new writing. 

I combined two writings: 

Day 01 – Who was the person you used to be?

Day 11 – A response to an excerpt by May Sarton and these lines: “I suffer from these brief weekends, the tearing up of the roots of love, and from my own inability to behave better under the stress.” 

Here is the result. 

And what about those roots anyway? I need to be completely honest and now is a good time for me to share. I am afraid of being sad for too long! I find myself reviewing a day, a conversation, even a simple text, needing to assure myself what “is real” and “not real.” My grief, the buildup of emotions once below the surface, is now fully exposed and raging most days. At the moment, my brain follows paths around my grief. My brain says “no thank you!” It is a place of promises not kept, a life unfulfilled. No matter the scale, I’m the same pattern. The only difference is that at different times I have adjusted my focus and scale, it’s still me in there. If I ever get a tattoo, I would get a Fractal tattoo, a ‘Dragon Curve’ Fractal Object to be precise. I like the idea of owning nothing, I am okay with being nothing. I don’t want things, I don’t want to continue living in this house. It’s my release and how I deal with the anxiety of my grief. This grief that now stands beside me has brought me back to my center, full-on with no holding back. What they need to know is, this version of myself is getting back to the essence of me. I am either reading or writing through tear-filled eyes. I have to take breaks in between posts sometimes. I have been planted in a different soil as a result of my losses. I look different, I act different, people that have known me for a while are seeing someone they don’t recognize. Call it a reset or perhaps a “me” from 25 years ago now with wrinkles, but it is “me” nonetheless. A repeated pattern in infinite scale. I think of my life as its own Fractal.~Paula

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