Refuge in Grief – Day 28

(Day 26 & Day 27 are taking time to do, so its on to the current day. Sometimes my posting these writing course responses is like out of order death itself.)

How do we know the shape, the weight, the being, of the one you love, by what we see in you? How does who I am shed light on who he was?
Jon died providing for his family. His brilliant focus, his love of the hunt, and waging warfare in others minds, was an intoxicating experience for him, for me, for us. He and I agreed to everything that we did. We were in a vacuum of our big decisions, there were never any small consequences to these, only large ones to match. Most people would shy away from this way out of the box thinking and lifestyle, most are too busy being in the box and happy with that. Not us. Our demise was paying the most attention to the big picture, while important small stuff remained out of focus. If only we made time to see. 
We had a vision together, of being successful in the name of love and being that generation that did better than the last. We never let any opportunity go to waste. I think I understand what I did wrong now. Other people would have talked him down from the edge, I encouraged and supported his going there. We stood on the edge together, holding hands, always looking out to the horizon, planning the next big thing. There was room for very few other people. We held on to each other and if we let go sometimes, we knew that we were each others’ gravity and would return to that place called home, wherever it was that year.
Without him, I am standing on the edge, I don’t have him to hold me back from falling forward. I think about wading in to Lake Michigan this past February to release some of his ashes, and I wanted to completely submerge myself. The water’s temperature was just above freezing, and I imagined finding him just under its surface, then I wanted to swim out to the horizon because I felt he would be waiting for me there. My ears betrayed me when at thigh-high water level, I heard that strange woman on the shore saying I should take my pants off, and I was snapped out of my mission’s true intent. 
To see Jon now through me is to notice what I’m not doing at times, particularly when it comes to controlling my actions. Jon would have given me advice on how to handle certain situations differently, to be more patient. What I am doing like him is methodically planting seeds in my future and waiting to see what grows. I have now fully embraced his friends as my own, he is no longer the sole representative of us. Our circle of friends is growing and I’m able to make room for them all. His love of music I have embraced fully, but I chose to make my own playlists, I like leaving his collection in tact. ~Paula

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