June 29, 2020
Today, a person we know saw my feelings I’ve been trying, so poorly, to hide. Does avoiding the truth count as keeping a secret? Does keeping the truth to myself mean I’m a liar to everyone else? While talking with this person, my face and mannerisms could not hide this excruciating, constant pain that, in that moment, was peeking out. I caved to their commenting that I appeared so stressed and angry, and in response, I reluctantly explained that I am stuck in the same mindset as when you were dying from cancer. It’s been 44 months, almost 4 years, and yet every day is like day-one without you. I want no one around me, I can’t bear others knowing and seeing this pain that grips me. I hurt, and I don’t want anyone else to hurt. I want to feel nothing. I want to not be so effing vulnerable to feelings and emotions.
I am doing way more than I should right now, filling every minute of each day till exhaustion takes me to bed. That is how I get shit done around here. I focus on the meaningless minutiae, I make mountains out of mole hills about things that don’t have sentiment or value. All the while, the emotional stuff piles higher, like a critical dune area, I refuse to touch it as I protect it and fear its loss, but feel it won’t matter what I do, in time it will be washed away when I least expect it.
This someone then asked me if I was ready to let you go, and told me I have a long future ahead. This is how people offer me help to not be so sad all the time, by suggesting to simply just let you go and look ahead to the future.
Jon, you are the love of my life. How can I let go of you? You are dead and not here, but the love I have for you remains. It has nowhere to go, but here, inside my heart. My heart that can’t find a steady beat, inside a body that refuses to be well without you. My long future terrifies me because you are not in it. Why the hell am I here without you? My love has no one to give it to, and I cannot receive it in return because you are the one who is not here to reciprocate. You are not here to wrap your arm around my chest as we lay together and pull me in to you. Our bodies can no longer tuck in to each other with no space in between. The space is empty around me as I lay in bed, with only cold air touching my skin, tears sting my cheeks and roll from my eyes to fill my ears, drowning-out sounds of my sobbing breaths. My life-lived is only half-over, but it feels all-over without you. I love you. I miss you. I wish you were here. ❤️~Puskie xoxo